Cracked But Never Broken
by pixieslovewords
Summary: He s used to being strapped down on a cold and hard surface. He s used to sharp objects shoved unceremoniously into his flesh. And as his sweat mixes with his blood, he s used to hearing himself scream. But this… this he ll never get used to. #spoilers s01e07-09 #ashburn #michael burnham #ash tyler #l rell #trigger warning: torture #trigger warning: rape #ptsd #ptsd recovery


He`s used to being strapped down on a cold and hard surface. He`s used to sharp objects shoved unceremoniously into his flesh. And as his sweat mixes with his blood, he`s used to hearing himself scream.

But this… this he`ll never get used to.

Held down by her cold and hard frame, she straddles his body, digging sharp claws into his chest. Barely able to move, he writhes beneath her.

Her hands slam down on his chest and she leans in, grazing her teeth along the side of his neck. She bites down hard and rips out a piece of flesh. He screams in her ear and she laughs and laughs and begins to roll her hips.

She grips him tightly with one hand, stoking him until he`s physically ready, rolls her hips, and slides him inside of her.

He screams, but this scream is different from all the others they`ve heard. This one… L`Rell smiles when she hears it. He`s next to tears.

 _No… no…_ he thinks, but his body ignores him, and he pushes up instinctively, pushing deeper inside of her.

She quickens her pace and he can`t help it – he bucks into her. Grabbing her hip, he thrusts hard until he releases inside of her and hears himself groan and she lets out a cry of satisfaction, clamping around his cock.

Rolling from him, she`s satiated, breathing heavily, mumbling in Klingon, with an arm draped over his slick chest.

 _Now… now_! he thinks. He forces himself up and off the bed, but is quickly brought down again. His legs are like jelly, his hips ache, his legs refuse to cooperate. The whole room spins, and he tastes vomit in the back of his throat. He`s on the floor again and watching him, L`Rell laughs mirthlessly. Desperate, he crawls towards the door, but then her claws are in his skin again.

`Where are you off to, worm? ` She craws in his ear and plucks him up by the neck, tossing him back on the bed and when she hovers over him ready for the next round, closes his eyes, screams, and bolts up right. When he opens his eyes, he realizes he`s not aboard the Klingon ship.

His quarters are hot but he`s freezing cold. Starfleet issue sheets anchor him to the bed and as he moves to wipe the sweat out of his eyes.

He untangles himself as fast as possible, grabs a nearby sweater, and runs for the door.

Memories swirl around his head.

Sweat drips off the bridge of his nose.

The monsters from his nightmares chase him down the corridor.

He was no idea where he`s going. All he knows is that he must get there, get there before she catches him, before she can do it again, before… before…

`Tyler. `

He almost rips the hand off the arm of the person who touches him.

`Tyler, ` the voice says again, but more severely. The voice pulls him out and anchors him to the floor. He looks down and sees Burnham standing perfectly still. Her hand is still on his arm. She`s dressed in workout gear; her temple slick with sweat. `You okay? `

He looks down at her. Her eyes are filled with kindness, compassion, concern, and something else he recognizes but can`t put a voice to. He suddenly remembers how to breathe, how to think, how to speak.

`Yeah... yeah, ` he stammers. His voice is shaky, but calmer than expected. `Yeah. I`m just… uh… running.`

`You don`t have any shoes on. `

He looks down at his bare feet, shoves his hands into his pockets, and takes a step back.

Burnham takes a step forward, but not into his personal space. She lowers her head and whispers: `Memory? Nightmare? `

He looks down at her. He can`t quite comprehend what she`s saying to him.

`I don`t know, ` he answers honestly.

Burnham nods. `I`ll do one more lap and meet you back at your quarters. `

She doesn`t wait for a response. She`s gone down the corridor and disappears around the corner.

He`s standing outside his quarters when she meets him there. He`s a few feet in front of his quarters, eyes fixed on the door; he doesn`t move.

`I can`t - ` he gasps.

Burnham nods. `Let me. `

She knows the passcode to his room, a number she might have guessed had he not given it to her one day (`You know. For emergencies. ` He shrugged and smiled at her confusion). She enters without.

His quarters are a mess, but she understands why.

She picks up a few things from off the floor and piles them on an arm chair. She haphazardly makes the bed, but is careful not to make it too tightly made. She doesn`t want it to look too ridged. When she`s finished, she goes back for him. He uncrosses his arms and follows her inside. She watches him as he surveys the room. Finally, he sits down on the couch. He looks up at her and tries to say something about her cleaning up after him, but the words are stuck in his throat. He swallows them down as sis head falls into his hands. His shoulders shake. Silent tears streak down his cheeks.

She walks over to him, sits down beside him, and gently pulls him into her. He goes, willingly, and lays his forehead on her shoulder. One of her hands squeezes his tightly, while the other massages the back of his neck.

`How… how can I…? I want to stop this, Burnham.` He doesn`t sob and he doesn`t beg. He`s just as dignified and composed as ever, and that scares her, because beneath the surface they both know he`s breaking.

She doesn`t know what to do for him and that scares her too. She`s far out of her element in a place where logic has no meaning. She wants to crawl inside his head and fight every single monster she sees there. But, she can`t. She is, however, sitting by his side, holding him closely, but not tightly. He can stand up and leave any time and that`s when she finally realizes that`s exactly what he needs.

`I know,` she says softly, finally. `You`re doing your best and that`s all you need to do,` she answers into his hair. `And I`ll be here with you, if you want me to be.`

He pulls back, and her hands fall into her lap. He takes her face in his hands and presses his forehead against hers. His breathing slows and when he closes his eyes, fresh tears seep out from beneath his eyelids. They pull apart slowly, but he doesn`t move her hands. In turn, she strokes her hand over his cheek. His skin is soft, his stubble coarse. She likes the duality of him.

He shifts ever so slightly and catches the corner of his mouth with his lips. She presses into him and his hands slide from her face to her neck and he grips her and pulls her in.

Their kiss is neither fast nor slow, but falls somewhere in the middle. He tries to pour everything he wants to say to her into their kiss. He hopes she understands and thinks maybe she does because she doesn`t move away as his lips move from hers and blaze a trail down her jawline to her neck and just under her earlobe.

`I want you here,` he whispers.

She folds him into her body. She`s small and fragile, but her chest is wide and strong. His head finds a place atop her breasts and she rests her chin on his head. He closes his eyes and immediately sees L`Rell standing over him, but he finds Burnham`s hand and squeezes hard. She squeezes back and it`s that simple act that makes L`Rell disappear and all he can think of is the woman here with him now, helping to hold him back from the brink.

He looks up at her and smiles and she can see that he`s genuine and she smiles back at him. They lean in together, foreheads touching, and he lays back on the couch, pulling her down to his chest. She fits into him nicely. He runs his fingers from her temple and over her dark curls.

They lay like that until they both fall sleep, together, curled around each other. And when he wakes, she`s still there; the sound of her breathing anchors him, the feel of her breath on his skin comforts him, and he realizes this is something he could get used to.


End file.
